I survived. That is what I keep coming back to. Despite our now 3 losses Nathan and I are both still here, together. It’s hard to write about our story, but it was other’s posts like this that have gotten me through so that is why I choose to share.
I never thought I would be sharing ANY sort of information like this for anyone to read, but here we are. Forewarning, I do go into detail about my experience and next steps in our journey. I am putting this out here so that it can maybe be helpful for someone else in a similar situation.
Saying Goodbye, Again
We found out I was pregnant for a 3rd time when we were on vacation in Florida in early June. We were excited, yet very hesitant and anxious. Could we really be meeting this baby in 8 short months, or would this pregnancy end far too soon like my previous ones?
Truthfully, we were also a bit surprised because I kept getting negative tests until a few days after my missed period, which is not normal for me or consistent with my previous pregnancies, usually I got positives before my missed period. Every pregnancy is different, but this was my first sign that something was wrong for me and that the hormone levels were rising as they should.
I was a bit of a wreck that we found out I was pregnant while out of town as I was supposed to have my progesterone and HCG levels monitored immediately (in case I needed a supplementation – this was not an issue with previous pregnancies, but my doctor was monitoring it nonetheless) and I was to start getting acupuncture immediately upon having a positive pregnancy test. Well neither of these could happen ‘right away’ because we were out of town. I slowly (with much of Nathan’s help) accepted that the Monday after we got back would have to do and everything would be all right, even though I had to wait a few days longer than I hoped. I called my doctors (both OB and naturopath fertility doctor) and made the necessary appointments for the next week when we were back from our trip. We decided to wait to tell our families until we received the hormone level testing back, ideally, we would have announced it the coming weekend to our families, on Father’s Day – I couldn’t help but marvel at the perfect timing. Oh, how naïve.
I had my hormone levels tested on the Monday after we got back from our trip and was feeling very hopeful. I was welcoming all the pregnancy symptoms that were starting to make themselves known, almost confident that things were going well. At this point I was 5.5 weeks pregnant.
That night I went home feeling hopeful. Hopeful the third time was the charm. Hopeful we would be meeting this baby sometime in early February.
The hope quickly turned to fear, dread, and horror when I woke up early the next morning with cramping. The cramping was much less painful than period cramping, so I thought maybe it will be fine, things were just stretching? I was trying to convince myself that it could be anything, but not a miscarriage. The cramps worsened slightly so I mustered the courage to go to the bathroom. As soon as I stood up I knew this was the end. There was a lot of blood. I hadn’t experienced this with my first 2 miscarriages because my body never recognized the loss and I chose to have a D&C both previous times, so I had never experienced a ‘natural’ miscarriage. It was such a different experience. Good different or bad different? I don’t know, just different. Not having to go to the hospital for surgery was such a relief physically but going through a natural miscarriage was so much harder for me emotionally.
I took the next day off work and laid on the couch all day feeling incredibly angry, yet oddly numb. I went back to work the following day. Should I have? Probably not. Physically I was alright, but emotionally I was a mess. I went through the motions that day. Honestly, I just went through the motions for the next few weeks. I felt like a shell.
I slowly came out of the fog. It’s been almost 4 months and things are starting to feel normal-ish again. Almost as if it was all a bad dream. But then there are the jolting moments that bring me back down to reality. Yes, it did happen. Yes, I have had 3 miscarriages. Yes, I am in the very small percentage of women who have 3 or more consecutive losses. But I am still here. It didn’t kill me, but it didn’t make me stronger either. I am just different now.
In the weeks following my 3rd miscarriage I didn’t feel a whole lot. I thankfully didn’t feel a lot of pain physically and emotionally I felt empty. So, empty I hardly even cried. This led to guilt. How could I not cry over losing my 3rd pregnancy? I truly was not sad at first, I was confused and incredibly angry – and mostly numb. The sadness has come, but initially it was not there – and that is alright. Grief is not predictable, even if you have been through something before and think you know what to expect.
Speaking of grief, Nathan and I both have grieved the losses in very different ways. I am more vocal, wanting to talk things out. He is much more introspective, and grief comes about in a different way for him. Despite our differences in how we experience grief, we both keep coming back to that these losses have only fueled our desire to live and love deeply.
What We Did Different This Time & What Will We Do in the Future?
After months of preparing my body for a hopefully healthy 3rd pregnancy – a very strict diet (AIP to be exact) supposed to reduce inflammation, focusing on “cleaner” ingredients in our home in general, numerous supplements that are supposed to aid in reducing immune response and sustaining pregnancy – and it all feels like it was done for nothing. You can read this post for a bit more on what we chose to do following our 2nd miscarriage before trying for a 3rd pregnancy, but ultimately, we did a lot of testing and all it came back with was that I have what I would describe as a currently mild auto-immune condition. I was diagnosed with an issue with my thyroid (slightly elevated TSH and my thyroid anti-bodies were elevated – I have Hashimoto’s), but after the pregnancy my levels all returned to lab normal ranges, my naturopath doctor thinks largely due to the reduced inflammation diet I was following – though both my OB and naturopath doctor were planning to monitor my thyroid levels very closely during this 3rd pregnancy in case I needed medication to support my thyroid.
A lot of doctors will not or do not know how to treat immune related issues and pregnancy, but we found a naturopath fertility doctor who specialized in this. She is truly wonderful, and I have loved being her patient. Is it frustrating that it feels like all the treatments she helped me with didn’t work? Yes. Was I so mad that it didn’t “work” and still sometimes am? Yes. However, I do think the changes she helped me make and supplements she recommended did make my body healthier and I felt like I was the best version of myself I had been in a long time. Despite all these changes that I feel were good for my body, I still had another miscarriage. To me, this highlighted that something else was going on. Something was going on that we were not aware of yet. I will continue to see my naturopath for future treatment, but both she and my OB recommend that I also see a specialist for additional support. That specialist could be a reproductive endocrinologist, a reproductive immunologist, a general fertility center, or a combination of all. We decided to start with a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) to see what additional support could be offered. My RE is working in conjunction with my naturopath doctor and fully supports a whole body and health approach, which is exactly what I want.
Through my RE we have done more extensive testing: genetic testing, in depth hormone level testing, a saline ultrasound to identify any structural issues, and biopsies of my endometrium to test for bacterial infections as well as endometriosis. The genetic and hormone testing all came back perfectly normal. Through my endometrium biopsy we ruled out infection, but found I do have positive markers for endometriosis. Currently, my RE is not recommending I have a laparoscopy procedure to confirm the diagnosis and remove any visible endometriosis since, if I do have it, it does not impact my daily life in terms of pain. My doctors feel that endometriosis, if it is present, is usually more of an issue for getting pregnant rather than stay pregnant. However, I know there are women who need to have endometriosis removed to sustain a pregnancy. This is honestly still a point of contention for me if I should have a the procedure to see if I do in fact have endometriosis, currently I am not planning to largely because of what the saline ultrasound identified (which I get into below), but that may change.
The saline ultrasound confirmed that I have a uterine septum, which based on what my doctor said (and let’s be honest, Google too), this can most certainly be a cause of miscarriage and recurrent miscarriage. It can be corrected with a fairly simple surgery to remove the septum, which my doctor recommended I have. I had the procedure last week and was told the septum was fully removed, thankfully! So now we are just in a waiting period. This was a separate procedure than a laparoscopy procedure to identify and remove any endometriosis, which is why I chose not to have that procedure at this point.
We are very hopeful that removing the septum combined with keeping up (or rather re-starting) a reduced inflammation diet, strict supplement regimen, and regular thyroid monitoring will be what I need, but we are still abundantly hesitant – knowing this might not be the answer to our losses.
Regardless, I know we are not at the end of the road. My heart knows I am meant to be a mama to babies on earth, I am just not sure how the path will lead us there.
I said this before, but it still rings so true:
I never thought this would be our story, but it is. I must believe there is more to our story and that light will come from this darkness. It must. The past year and a half have been a rollercoaster of us figuring out life after loss. It has only intensified our desire to live with purpose in this one precious life we have.
