After three miscarriages, once I was pregnant for the fourth time (and stayed pregnant) I thought I would be full of joy and happiness. I was wrong.
The thing is, I certainly do feel joy and happiness for this pregnancy, but it has been tinged with fear, anxiety, worry, sorrow and guilt too. Pregnancy after loss has been a very difficult season for me.
The first 12 weeks of this pregnancy I thought for sure we would lose the baby, just like each of my previous pregnancies. I know I would have felt this fear regardless, but it was really cemented into my brain because I was spotting from week 8 to almost week 12, which was exactly like my first pregnancy that did not have a good outcome. After we saw the growing baby with a strong heart rate on the ultrasound at our 12 week appointment I thought surely I would start feeling “good” about this pregnancy. I was wrong, again. I was on cloud 9 for a few days and then the fear and anxiety crept back in.
When did I start to feel “good” about this pregnancy?
I did not have a specific point in time where I all of a sudden felt better, or the fear was mostly gone. As I got into the second trimester and started feeling pretty consistent movement I felt a bit better. The waiting time in between appointments was brutal though. Then when I hit 28 weeks and started going to the OB every other week I felt a little better because the time in between appointments was so much less. Then we had a scare at 29 weeks and I started being monitored two times a week, in addition to my regular OB appointments. While I was terrified going into each appointment that the baby might be in distress, the more frequent appointments did somewhat help ease my anxiety.
Truthfully though, as I am writing this at 39 weeks pregnant I still am not to that place where I feel “good” about this pregnancy and I don’t think I will fully get there. My brain has been conditioned to only know bad outcomes for my pregnancies. It feels like I might be able to let the breath out I’ve been holding for this entire pregnancy when the baby is finally on my chest.
Even though I still have so much fear that something is going to happen to the baby, whether something were to happen in the womb or during birth, with each passing day I feel a little more hopeful and positive.
Even then, with each positive milestone, the guilt and sorrow I feel that I did not get to experience it with my previous three pregnancies comes crashing in. Watching this baby grow and seeing what will never be with our first three babies is an overwhelming feeling. On the other hand, this sorrow really makes me appreciate each milestone, kick, and ultrasound that much more because I know how easily it can all be taken away.
Taking It Day by Day
One thing that has helped me is taking this pregnancy day by day. Making my best effort to live in the moment has helped me feel a little bit more of that pregnancy joy. I have to continuously reminding myself to only worry about the facts I know to be true and that worry during pregnancy in general is normal! I try to stay away from Google. Try is the key word. Going down a rabbit hole of potential things that could be wrong is not helpful and will almost always set me into a few days of heavy anxiety. Yes, I still look things up when I know I should avoid it, but I’ve been trying not to do this when it comes to the one off fears that creep into my mind about this pregnancy.
Over the course of my pregnancy I tried to take weekly belly pictures. Seeing how much my belly grew was one positive way I remind myself of the life that is growing.
Seeking out a therapist who specializes in pregnancy loss has been immensely helpful for me. She provided me with mental tools and support I did not even know I needed – this has helped me differentiate between my rational worry and when my anxiety is starting to spiral. Talking about my fears and worries is something that has been very healing. Going to therapy has helped me be able to talk about my fears with others too. Vocalizing a fear when I am thinking about it and being able to talk it through in the moment has been huge for me. I used to hold all of those fears inside until they bubbled over, but when I talk about them as they come up and talk through why I am feeling the way I do it helps me process the fear and not ruminate on it. This is something that, as someone who has suffered from anxiety for a long time, is extremely beneficial beyond just pregnancy loss.
Gratitude journaling is another thing that keeps me living day by day. Everyday I jot down 5 things I am grateful for – big or small. This helps me remember the positive things in my life. Each day of this pregnancy one of the items I write down is “being pregnant today – x weeks and x days”. It is really important for me to remember that I am pregnant right now and that is something to celebrate.
Finding the people who provide the support in the way I need and keeping them close has been helped me not carry these burdens alone. It may not be the people you expect, but when someone is able to support you in exactly the way you need lean into that. Allow them to support you if they are willing. There will be a time when they need you too.
Pregnancy after loss has been a tough journey and one that I’m not to the end of yet. If you are walking this road know that everything you are feeling is valid.
I truly never thought we would get to this point – with a completed nursery and days away from being able to hold our baby in our arms. I am so incredibly grateful this is where our journey has taken us and we cannot wait to meet this baby, it honestly can’t come soon enough.
