October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I have been pretty open about sharing our story, but one area I haven’t talked much about is how much our friends and loved ones have supported us during this season. On the flip side there is also the hurt that can come from unintended painful comments people have made about our miscarriages. Miscarriage is not something that is talked about openly enough. I think that is starting to change, but because it is not really talked about it can leave many people in a place of not knowing what to say.
From someone who has experienced 3 miscarriages I am giving my perspective on how you can help support someone you know who has experienced a miscarriage and the things you may want to avoid.
How to Support
We are so fortunate to have family and friends who always support us tremendously, but in the past year and a half they have done so much to make us feel loved, thought of, and lifted up during this difficult time, and for that I am very grateful. If you know someone who has had a miscarriage you may feel like you don’t know what to say or do, but there are things you can do to help them feel less alone:
- Acknowledge the loss. Simply say “I’m so sorry”. Or “I am here to support you in whatever way you need”. Or say nothing, but just be there with them. Hold their hand. Give them a hug. There are really no words that can make them feel better, but don’t ignore it. When people gloss over it, act like nothing is wrong or nothing has changed it honestly hurts worse (from my perspective). I understand it’s a difficult topic and many people feel uncomfortable talking about pregnancy loss, but simply acknowledging the loss will mean so much. It’s likely all consuming for anyone experiencing it and having someone acknowledge it goes a long way. They may not want to talk about it with you, but the fact that they know you care will mean so much.
- Send a text. Let her know you are thinking about her and are there to talk if she wants. Depending on the day, she may or may not want to talk on the phone but seeing a text from someone and knowing they are thinking of you can mean so much.
- Send a card. Getting a card in the mail from a friend or loved one acknowledging our loss almost always makes me cry, but it always warms my heart too.
- Send flowers. Flowers with a short note are a great way to let someone know you care and are thinking about them. Seeing flowers from a friend or loved one on the counter always brightened my day a little, even when my heart was so heavy.
- Bring a meal or a treat. Dear friends left a meal on our doorstep after our last miscarriage and it meant so very much to us. My parents would stop by and bring me lunch or a treat after each of our miscarriages and I was always so grateful. Cooking was the last thing I wanted to do (or even felt capable of doing) after a miscarriage, especially the times I chose to have a D&C, so it was incredibly nice to have a home cooked meal and treats. Chocolate is always welcome.
- Remember important dates. Due dates (if she told you) and holidays (Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, etc.) are likely days that are going to be rough. A text or a hug on those days is always appreciated.
- Offer to go out to dinner, grab coffee, or grab a drink. If she wants to open up to you, great. If not, just doing normal, low key social things can really help her to feel less alone and lets her know you’re still there. I had many friends do this and it truly meant the world to me.
What to Avoid
On the other hand, there are things you may want to avoid saying to anyone who has experienced a miscarriage. It is a hard topic to navigate and many who have not experienced it themselves simply don’t know what to say. Below I am sharing some things from my perspective that usually ended up being more hurtful than helpful, despite the best of intentions.
- Don’t share stories of ‘so and so’ who also had a miscarriage, but now has children here on earth. I understand, the intent is to be positive and uplifting, but sharing things like this can make her feel even more alone if she is still in a season of waiting and it diminishes what she is currently going through.
- Don’t say ‘everything happens for a reason’. This is still not something I have accepted, and I am not sure I ever will. Each of our babies were fiercely wanted and loved. To essentially hear that it wasn’t meant to be just adds more salt to the wound.
- Don’t tell her ‘at least you know you can get pregnant’. I am very grateful that I can get pregnant because that is half the battle. I know many women who have been struggling to get pregnant and bearing witness to that is excruciating, let alone going through it. However, staying pregnant is also crucial. If I can get pregnant, but not stay pregnant that is a problem too.
- Don’t say ‘just try again’. Well you see, it’s not that easy. I mean it might be from a technical standpoint, but there is a lot of baggage and emotion that comes with a miscarriage and she may simply not be ready to try again and that is okay. This comment can also imply that the previous pregnancy that ended too soon didn’t mean anything.
- Don’t completely avoid talk about babies. Others might completely disagree with this, and this will vary largely by person, but from my perspective I feel more left out when people go out of their way to avoid talking about babies. I am at a time in life where everyone around me is having babies. Most of my friends have babies or are pregnant and I have many coworkers that are pregnant or have babies. It would be weird to never have these people talk about their babies or pregnancies around me, especially because though I am so very sad for myself, I am happy for them and still want to support them during this time in their lives. I too hope to have a baby someday and I think it is helpful to hear their experiences. It can be hard and feel brutal at times listening to all the baby talk, but knowing when people go out of their way to not talk about babies tends to hurt me more than it does good. This is something I communicated to my friends and they know I don’t want them to avoid the topic. If you are in this situation ask your friend or loved one what they prefer so you know.
- This isn’t a ‘don’t’ necessarily, but if you are pregnant and need to tell a friend who has had a miscarriage or is currently in a season of waiting, be sensitive in how you tell her. You know your friend best, but if you want to tell her in person maybe choose for that to be a 1 on 1 setting. Group settings, and in person in general, can be hard for her. It is hard because your friend is likely so very happy for you, but it is also a very real reminder of what she wants so badly. Your friend may not be able to help the reaction that crosses her face when you tell her if she is taken off guard.
I hope this post was helpful for those wanting to support a friend or loved one through the difficult journey of pregnancy loss.
